Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
