My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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