Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
