the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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