dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
