My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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