Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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