i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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