So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize