He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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