How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
