you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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