Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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