I wish I could teleport
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
