he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
