If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
