drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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