We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
