Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
