The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently you make a good broom.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
