i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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