It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Terrible idea I love it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
