Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
