Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
