How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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