I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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