Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
