i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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