Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
