Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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