god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
