He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
