Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
