My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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