I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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