There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will pee on everything he values.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
