I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
