im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Someone came in the potted fern
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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