Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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