I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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