There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize