What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
