just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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