All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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