If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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