Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
