Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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