Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
