so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
