what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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