upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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