There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think my moral compass just broke
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
