You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I would fuck him just for his dog
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
