The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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