come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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